The ‘Holes in the Fence’ Theory of Anger Management

There is a story about a young boy who had difficulty managing his temper. One day his father had an idea. He gave the boy a bag of nails and a hammer and said, “Every time you feel like lashing out at someone or having a tantrum, I give you permission to pound a nail into the backyard fence.”

Over the next several weeks, the boy did just that. The first few days he hammered a constellation of nails into the first panel. Then, gradually, panel-by-panel, nail-by-nail, he slowed down until he found that he didn’t need to do it anymore.

That was when his father gave him a new challenge: to remove a nail from the fence for every day he could continue to control his temper. Eventually, all the nails were removed and the son stood proudly before his father.

“That’s great,” the father said, “But I want you to notice something. Look at those holes in the fence. Those holes don’t go away when you take the nails out. It’s the same thing when you say or do something hurtful to someone else; you can try to take it back later, but the damage remains.”

This is not just a lesson for children. There are a lot of people who have needed to be reminded of this. I know I did in my early years in business. If you demand the best from yourself and those around you, there is the danger of getting carried away to the point that you frustrate rather than motivate the ones you rely on most.

When this happens it’s easy to say, “I’m just a passionate person – it’s just the way I am,” and hope that people will forgive you for your emotional outbursts. In many cases people will forgive you, especially if they have some history with you and trust you. But always remember that each time you do that, you are leaving another hole in the fence.