1My dad passed away on the first Sunday of the new year. He had been going through various stages of ill health for some time, but still when the end came, it was sudden and shocking. I suppose you are never really ready for that kind of news.

My father was an interesting, honorable, kind man who had to face some very difficult times. For the first 18 years of my life we were a traditional, close family and he, as a successful business owner, gave us all the love and support we could want. There were some great times then.

Then came the difficult times. His marriage to my mother ended in divorce (something almost unheard of in Ismaili culture then) and he took the break-up hard. His business collapsed and he suddenly found himself, this proud family man who had worked so hard, without the resources to support himself.

That's when I decided it was my turn to take care of him. We lived together from then on and when I moved to Canada and got married, my wife Shahinool "adopted" him as her father too and he lived with us for 25 years. Looking back now, I am so grateful for those times, as we got to stay close, and he got to be a part of my new family and watch the children grow.

2Eventually, when Shahinool became ill, it became apparent that she wouldn't be able provide the attention he needed, and she didn't want him to have to deal with her declining health. My sister Nevin, who is an absolute angel in her own right, stepped in. While Shahinool and I went to Arizona for her treatment and eventually moved there with our sons, she became the leader in looking after dad. That was 13 years ago. Five years later, he moved to a home, then a couple of years ago to a 24-hour care home. His health started to deteriorate but he didn't complain. In fact, whenever I got home to Vancouver for a visit he was always happy. Just like old times.
I know this not the sort of thing we usually talk about in this space, but I hope you will indulge me, as I felt the need to share these thoughts about my father. And as it turns out, as I reflect on his life and his attitude toward it, I realize there are some principles there that I really want to share with each one of you.

My father, like all good fathers, taught by example. It was an example that could be summed up in three rules:

  1. Nurture a capacity for forgiveness. Considering the things he went through, and some of the unfair turns life took for him, he had as much reason as anyone to be angry or bitter. He never was. And he always reminded us that life was too short to hold grudges.

  2. Be happy. On one of my visits to him in the home, a nurse with an accent asked him, "Are you sick?" His response was, "Sikh? No, I'm Ismaili." Then he laughed heartily at his own joke. It was the kind of playfulness he was known for throughout his life. Even as he grew weaker and frailer, his sense of humor was always strong. In fact, my niece, Natasha, only called him "Funny Man."

  3. Be content with what you have. One time, Nevin and I decided to surprise Dad. We took his old clothes, put them in a box for recycling, and stocked his closet with a fine new wardrobe. He was thankful, but the next time we came to visit, we found that he had retrieved his old shirts and pants from the box and bundled up the new stuff we had given him. "Give them to someone who really needs them," he said. "I'm happy with what I have."


He hated waste, and he understood that you really didn't need that much beyond the love of family to feel content. 3On that Sunday night, Dad went to sleep as usual. He never woke up. As much as I am sad that I didn't get one more visit in before he passed, I take consolation in knowing he went to bed that night as content as he ever was. My father died a happy man, and for that I am grateful.

As I write this, I am in Vancouver with family. We stayed up late the night I arrived, mourning, laughing, praying, and remembering.

Let me just honor my father by asking all you fathers out there—and mothers, and sons and daughters and brothers and sisters— to always keep your loved ones close to heart. Put aside any petty differences and forgive. Smile and laugh together. And even as you strive to improve and create greater success, learn to cultivate the joy and serenity that comes with truly appreciating the abundance you already enjoy.

These are the things my father taught me through the example he set, and I know they will continue to inspire me forever. I wish I had had the chance to say it one more time in person, but I will say it here now:

Thanks, Dad. I love you.


Comments

Commenter's Profile Image Judy Larocque
January 12th, 2015
Imtiaz, I am certain that your children will in turn take note of this article and one day publish it with the same spirit as you did for your father. You are a wonderful father and good friend. I am truly sorry for your loss. Judy
Commenter's Profile Image Amy
January 12th, 2015
Dear Imtiaz- You and your family will be in my heart and on my prayer list. Sending you thoughts of peace as you take this time to recall all the wonderful things about him. Your words are a blessing to many. ♡ Amy
Commenter's Profile Image Mike Bowser
January 12th, 2015
So sorry for your loss. Our condolences to you and the family.
Commenter's Profile Image Donna VanVeenendaal
January 12th, 2015
May the fond memories you have be with you always. Thank you for sharing your Father's life rules, truly inspirational. Thinking of you in this great loss!
Commenter's Profile Image Cherie Oatley
January 13th, 2015
I am so sorry for you loss imtiaz. I am happy for the many opportunities you had to learn, grow and appreciate life with your dad. Your message hit home as I lost my father the week after Thanksgiving. He taught gratitude and humility to us as well. I will miss him as you will your dad, but will always feel blessed to have had him! Take good care, be gentle with yourself. Grief is grief, blessed or not!
Commenter's Profile Image Anjum Asodia
January 13th, 2015
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so glad that Gulnar and I could see him on our short trip to Vancouver in July. It was SO wonderful to spend some time with him and as always his sense of humour was there. take care
Commenter's Profile Image David Ross
January 13th, 2015
I'm sorry to hear of your fathers passing. Thank-you so much for posting this. I have never met you but your message really touched me. Your dad and your family sound like a beautiful group.
Commenter's Profile Image Kim
January 13th, 2015
So sorry to hear of your Dad's passing, but so glad you shared his life lessons with us. Our hearts go out to you and your family.
Commenter's Profile Image Howard
January 13th, 2015
Your story makes me feel sad that I never got to meet your father. My condolences to you and yours on his passing.
Commenter's Profile Image Reva
January 13th, 2015
I am very sorry for your loss. Your write up really touched me. You have inspired me to be a better person.
Commenter's Profile Image Bonnie Malterer
January 13th, 2015
Take time to grieve Imtiaz.
Commenter's Profile Image Wayne Kerr
January 14th, 2015
Thanks so much for sharing the richness of your relationship with your father with your "Spear Family." As usual, Imtiaz, your words are heartfelt and meaningful. I regret that I did not enjoy as close a relationship with my father as did you, but - like you - I often recall very meaningful words of advice that ultimately became "life lessons" for me. Truly, we have both been blessed by family. May you enjoy peace in your heart as you share family memories with loved ones, and continue to apply your father's simple advice in the days yet to come...
Commenter's Profile Image Jeffrey Dornbush
January 15th, 2015
Thank you so much for sharing your father with us. Hearing you share stories from your personal side once again is always a source of inspiration, strength and nutrition for my professional family life.
Commenter's Profile Image Sameet Koppikar
January 19th, 2015
Hi Imtiaz, Thank you for sharing a part of your life with us. And for reminding us what is truly important. My best wishes and thoughts are with you and your family. Sameet
Commenter's Profile Image Mahamud Jinnah
April 6th, 2015
Imtiaz i have known your dad for 25 years.Every word you said about him is true.He taught both you and me a lot more valuable lessons. I KNOW you have and continue to teach Kaleim and Riz a lot of life lessons. Perhaps that is the legacy your dad left.