One of my closest team members, Sarah (the daughter of my business partner, Dr. Glen Wysel), has a delightful little daughter, Allegra. When Allegra was born, I was as excited as if she were my own granddaughter, so it broke my heart that for the longest time she rejected every move I made toward her. Every time I tried to hold her or play with her, she would break out in tears and turn away. Until one day, after yet another screaming rejection, Sarah suggested that I just stop trying so hard and let Allegra decide when she was ready. And it worked. Eventually, her curiosity got the better of her, and she came to me. She was cautious at first, but soon she began to see that I was friendly and fun, and now we get along just great. She just had to make the connection on her own terms.

There is an analogy here to how you present to patients. Just as kids get scared off by people who are trying to be too familiar too quickly, patients can have the same reflexive response (but without the tears, I hope) when presented with case options before they’re ready to engage. They don’t have your level of understanding or expertise, and your well-meaning passion for their possibilities can easily overwhelm them.

I’m not saying you need to treat patients like babies. Well, ok, maybe I am—at least to the extent of borrowing from the universal three-step process for getting through to a young child: First of all, engage at their level. That means looking for the signs that demonstrate their level of openness and not trespassing beyond that level. Second, be clear about your intent. You know that you have their best interests at heart—once you get them to know (and feel) that your intent is pure, you’re ready to move on to the final step, which is to take them on the journey. At that point, if you’ve taken the right approach in the first two steps, their trust in you will be absolute, and they will follow your lead and feel great doing it.